The Dog's Name

Translated by
Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jnr
Monday, October 22, 2007

I left this as a comment on Sofia's Blog...

"It takes a very confident guy to date a natural flirt and not try to cage or change her...
...it also takes a guy who is getting very regular affirmation and is on the receiving end of more than just that flirting to be very confident."

I would argue that I am a fairly confident guy in most circumstances, but that can also be quite shy*, especially if I am expected to just approach a woman and have not yet been introduced. But I still find that if I truly care for someone and have a genuine desire to see where things may go with them, or worse if I can admit I love them then my confidence becomes entangled in their actions and affirmation.

But confidence is such an interesting concept, because confidence is rarely about a task or ability that is done in private. Confidence comes from external or group praise, it comes from affirmation in one as a person and in one's abilities, but it is not intrinsic. We know we are good at things not because we know it but because we have been told such by our peers, our colleagues, our professors, our parents, our scores, or even by the fact that a goal has been reached and we are still alive.

Personally, I hate knowing that another has this power over me, and yet I freely give it, especially when I am "in love". My confidence in a relationship (and the relationships strength) is directly linked to the affirmation I receive and have in that relationship. Affirmation:** where word and action are in unison is the salve that lets me relax and truly want to encourage someone to grow rather than cage them close.

While it is well and good to say we should be happy with ourselves and at peace with who we are...what I want to know is why? Who said that this is the way it’s supposed to be? What in the whole evolutionary cycle actually tells us that our sense of self, our confidence is gained only from intrinsic forces and not from extrinsic?

Who or what say’s our confidence must not come at the hands and from the lips of others, and instead should well from a sense of one?

Ohhh…and back to the idea of dating a natural flirt, and being confident in the company of such…I guess I only have to look in a mirror and wonder what it would be like to date me, and ask myself how her confidence in such springs from my actions and my affirmations to know what it takes.

I only need to know how I have failed to make girlfriends in the past feel secure and confidant, to know those actions reversed would make me feel the same, and as such how I should act in my tomorrows.

* I know some of you who know me are right now laughing into your morning coffees, but it is still true.
** It is not surprising that affirmation is my number one love language, and less surprisingly it is followed very closely by physical touch.

Last year in the Temple of Doom, Indiana unearthed: Empty Tombs

Technorati Tag: The Dogs Name, Self, Confidence

Lectiones Sacrae Ex Libris Indiana 06:00

6 Comments:

Amber said...: I think it's a perfectly normal need to be affirmed, so to speak, in a relationship. Especially a new one, when you're on shaky ground and exploring new boundaries and establishing lines.

I think that there is a certain amount of confidence that everyone should have within themselves. It comes from being secure and knowing who and what you are. Having your OWN boundaries and lines established. What is and isn't acceptable. Your morals, principles, ethics, etc. firmly ingrained. But then there is the confidence that is gained from others. I completely agree with you on that.

Like when you start a new hobby, the encouragement that is given inspires you to keep going, no matter how much you may feel that you're not "good enough" or whatever.

I still have issues with my own ability to write. But because of my English teachers in high school and their confidence in my ability, my parents and friends who have read things I've written, it's inspired me to keep going. It's given me the confidence to believe in myself more and more on something that I'm unsure of.

Thank God for people who encourage, uplift, and in general, raise your confidence level. Without those people, who knows where the world would be? How many philosophers, scientists, doctors, writers, etc. would not be where they are at today, if not for those people in their lives?

Great post, Indy. As usual :).; 20:41
the VirginPornStar said...: You? All shy and blushing?

LOL!

That's hilarious, darl. Considering the times I have spent with you, you were definitely not shy then. Still it's a sweet, if somewhat funny thought.

Personally, I believe confidence is such a fragile thing. Confidence in self is fine, but then when you repeatedly get criticised, eventually a nagging thought of "what if they're right?" starts creeping in. Self-validation has always come from those who surround us, and although confidence can be nurtured by oneself, the encouragement and opinions of other people are what makes it grow.; 21:52
The Mama said...: There is nothing in our natures that dictates that our confidence should be intrinsic.

However, it is a good idea to have confidence from within only because then we wouldn't have to be subject to the frequently shifting, unpredictable and often wrong nature of other people's approval of us.; 23:44
Indiana said...: Amber: Thanks Amber...I think we need to find a balance, and yet I recognise that we all get a huge portion of our sense from others...I think the catch may be to be able to learn to remember the positive sense of self when faced with negativity.

VPS: I never said I was blushing, only that I am very often shy...but I am learning to get over it. And besides we had been introduced by E@L, so I did not have to be shy...ok maybe that is not an excuse to be so forward, but I still did not have to be shy.

What amazes me is that we can be told we are good at something so often, and yet when that does not ring true in the next situation we allow doubt to enter our heart and our minds...which is not always a good thing...because we then doubt the validity of earlier affirmation.

Mama: So its more a sense of almost self preservation that leads us to search for internal held beliefs of value and worth.; 08:04
M said...: a lot of our self confidence IS wrapped up in what people think of us and so I do think the golden rule applies in all things. Keep yourself nice/Be good to others. I mean it might not MAKE someone feel confident per se, but it's sure going to help.; 14:01
Weehopper said...: my new man has just told me he loves my traits that my usual type of man have critisised. im glad someone else has accepted them as i have accepted myself along time ago. real confidence comes from aceptance of yourself. Even if you are thought to be condescending, opportunistic, anxious, moody, excessively pragmatic, hard-nosed, self serving and so obtuse as to seem to have gone both blind and deaf at once!

nice blog...excellent writing, hopefully its ok if i pop in again.; 00:25