The Dog's Name

Translated by
Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jnr
Friday, August 24, 2007

Recently, apart from the two blind dates (set up by Gremlin), and the incidence of being stood up I have been taking a break from the 'dating game', rather than continue as a mouse in the treadmill ever chasing the uncatchable cheese I have rather been spending time with friends, food and even the odd drink with the easy company of enjoyable conversation, without the pressure* that goes along with a first or even second dates. The truth is, apart from the afore mentioned, I had/have sort of given up on the whole dating/gf thing, having instead decided to focus myself on something else...an idea, that the merits of have still not been fully thought through...but none the less it has given me a little bit of time to think about:

What makes a first date a successful one?

Simple. A first date is a success if at the end, before you part, she has already agreed to your asking to see her again.

It does not take time apart, it does not take waiting 2,3,5,or even 7 days to call, or for her to be able to reflect on the date in order to say "yes' to such a question. If she likes you, and the date has been such that you believe it was a success and she, hopefully, agrees with you, then she will say "yes". You have the courage to ask...All a guy has to do is admit he enjoyed her company, that what he has seen so far intrigues him, that he likes her and that he want's to know more. Yes dating is a game, but sometimes, some games require a huge dose of honesty.

Note: Regardless of what she actually says, until you do in fact get to see her again and in a non-group situation, it is my experience that any such agreement on her behalf for further dates should be viewed with a healthy skepticism.***

* Anyone who says there is no pressure on a date, is simply FOS**, there is pressure, and while it is still manageable, it is this pressure to be a little better than you normally are, to sit a little straighter, to eat a little more properly and to even remember to take that extra minute in shaving is all part of the pressure that is all about impressing the girl (and she you) enough to have her say 'yes" when you ask about seeing her again.
** Full Of Shit.
*** Women are crap at saying "no", so they don't appear to be a "shallow" bitch, they will say "yes", and then upon reflection, or during your follow-up call to arrange said meeting, be suddenly busy and offer to call you when they are free...they never are, and you never hear from them, until the guy they have focused their attention on proves to be an bastard player in which case they may call you, my thoughts: It will be a cold day in hell, so its better to not hold your breath.

Last year in the Temple of Doom, Indiana unearthed: The Recovery Shag

Technorati Tag: The Dogs Name, Dating, Women, First Dates

Lectiones Sacrae Ex Libris Indiana 06:00

9 Comments:

Tiny said...: Unless the first date has been a total disaster, I usually agree to meet again for a second date. I think most people tend to be quite nervous on their first date and so the first impression might not be too reliable. A second (or even a third) date can help knowing each other more.; 08:53
Miss Natalie said...: i agree with you about the pressure. the little more time in picking out an outfit, ensuring i'm wearing 'not too much make up', what shoes to wear - yes, this is a challenge, i look better in my killer heels but what if we go for a romantic walk and i start tottering or wincing with pain?

now babes, don't give up on looking as they say (who are they?) things happen when you're not looking for them..

also, some woman are piss weak when it comes down to saying 'thank you, but i'm not interested'. i can only do it after several cocktails and then risk sounding like a bitch - can't win; 11:20
sofia said...: you're absolutely right that many women can be crap at saying no. i'm one of them, yet i disagree about the fear of being deemed a shallow bitch, cos there are women who genuinely don't want to hurt the poor guy's feelings too brutally.

so basically you can't rate the success of the first date until the second date? =); 14:18
Indiana said...: Tiny: I have a feeling you are maybe not as shallow as some of the women I have gone on first-dates with.

And I stopped being nervous on first dates a long time ago...third and fourth dates though scare the shit out of me.

Nat: I need to take a break, I feel a little tired and need to focus my energies in different directions for a while...so while I will remain open to the idea of dating ifits presented to me I am going to break from chasing it...

...actually I have been on a break from it for about 3 weeks. And I am really relishing the alone time.

Sofia: Well I am pretty good at reading between the lines of the post date sms/fb messages/msn chats so I can usually tell pretty quickly if she was FOS or seriously had a good time.

But I still do not understand the rationale behind protecting the "guy's feelings"...how does lying to him so he thinks you like him and then calls you in the vain hope you may want to go out again when in fact you already knew you didn't want to protect the guys feelings...if anything it leads him on, and labels you a worse bitch.

So I call "bullshit", all it does is save you having to look him in the eye when you say "not interested" instead you get to do it from behind the protection of an sms.; 14:44
Summer said...: It's always been hard for me to say no. I'm always so concerned for the guy's feelings. You're right, though, it does hurt worse if you pretend to like a guy when you don't.

I am fairly adept at reading a man's interest quickly and making up my own mind. Usually within the first 10 minutes, I know whether the date and I will want to continue a relationship.

Not that any of that matters, now, though, of course.; 21:12
Sarah said...: I agree with Tiny. You can't tell anything about someone based on the first date. Unless I knew I wasn't physically attracted, I would always take the second date when offered.; 01:25
M said...: you know how sometimes when someone says "hey how are you today?" and you don't want to get into how your fish died and you cut yourself shaving your legs and the car didn't start, and you just woke up sad anyway - you don't want to burden the other person with all your shit and you don't even want to get into it anyway because you just know that they probably only asked to be nice - so you say "I'm good". It's not a malicious lie or anything you just don't want to suck the joy out of THEIR day too, you know?

In the dating sense a similar thing occurs - you don't want to hurt someone, you don't want to get into a confrontation by ending an otherwise pleasant night badly. Think about it, you might not be into someone with your whole heart but you realise they're a nice person and it was okay as far as the night went by saying 'no' you're basically shutting them down when really you don't want to shut them down, they're a good person, you had a good time... you just KNOW that by saying "no" they're actually going to hear 'I totally reject everything you are' - even if you don't want to say that - you don't even think that..

I have to admit that I don't like the end of date analysis of date WITH the date. I'd rather just leave it as 'I had a really great time' status - that's not to say I won't agonise over it because I WILL but... They should already have my number and I theirs, so if things happen then it's all good. I don't ever want anyone to say to me that they are going to call but don't that's just uncalled for (haha geddit?) to even OFFER something you do not intend to follow up with.

Do you ever get the feeling that people just go through the motions any way?

Speaking of motions: you taking a break from dating

Take dating in the first place. Some people will date just to date - they always have a date - but the philosophy is that they might get lucky and find that diamond out there in the masses. The other kind who date will only ask or accept if they are totally feeling the person in the first place they've already taken that mental step before the date has begun they're half way there already, and by half there I mean really like them - this can be a dangerous to live but it's very sincere. They save their dating pennies, so to speak, for the one they really want.

Some people go through the motions of dating and some people go through the EMOTIONS of dating.

I have a feeling that you're going through the motions of dating - that's only going on from the sheer volume of women you date. I realise you're trying on for the right fit and that's cool but no wonder you're burnt out. It's a GOOD thing you're taking a break - god knows it sounds like you don't have a problem getting a date so trust in the fact that when you're ready to be back then jumping back in will be easy.; 07:12
morgan said...: i'd much rather not be put on the spot to say yay or nay to a next date while still on the first.

if the chemistry is evident i absolutely need a bit of time before i feel comfortable to decide on the next step... as i've learned the hard way that hormones are not reliable judges of character.

i also agree with tiny & sarah about the shortcomings of making a verdict based on a first date only. nerves make us do silly things. and by and large, people who aren't some variety of nervous or awkward are those who aren't emotionally engaged. that in itself should put up a red flag.

unfortunately i haven't been so good about practicing this in the past but intend to change my ways.; 11:34
"the b" said...: I just hove on over from Miss Devylish's place and dating is always a subject very close to my heart. Have to say I totally agree with Morgan. Why put that pressure on? Whatever you say about what the right thing to do is, 90% of girls will say yes whether they like you or not - as you observe yourself. To ask them to say no to your face is just mean. If you weren't going to ask you wouldn't tell them, would you, you just wouldn't ask. I know it doesn't spare anyone's feelings but I reckon it does at least spare some embarrassment to be let down by text where you don't have to face someone out after they've said it.

Also girls, believe it or not, like a little bit of a chase too - or at least for it not to be too easy. Not that I like it but I have to confess, I'm kept more excited by a little bit of anticipation. A nice text message the next day to check I got home ok or whatever is a good one for me, then I know he's interested and that a second date invite is coming, but it's still exciting.; 06:43